Relationships are a bit of a minefield and probably the most sensitive area is that of the sexual relationship. This aspect of a couples lives will go through many changes throughout the relationship depending on circumstances, health and compatibility. If a couple can discuss this subject openly then they are much more likely to make a success of it. So, what constitutes normal thinking and behaviour in the bedroom?

Any normal, red-bloodied person will experience fantasies. Most times these are kept within one's own mind and can be used as a relaxant or a stimulant depending on the subject. A fantasy is like a mini video that is played through the mind's eye, often revolving around a subject that the fantasist has never experienced. Most people will have more than one fantasy that they mentally play through and this is absolutely no reflection on the partner.

A fantasy can be romantic or lustful. It can involve role play or situations that you would never dream of acting out and sometimes ones that you wish you could. Fantasies make up a rich part of the thinking and stimulation that goes behind the love life of a couple that have been together for some time.

For the open-minded, sharing fantasies can be a huge turn on. It's a good idea to discuss the merits of talking through fantasies before sharing as it can sometimes be a bit disconcerting to know what your partner is thinking. For example, same sex fantasies are quite common but they don't mean you are gay. It is simply a fantasy. But if you shared this with a partner who was lacking in self esteem this could damage the relationship.

If you and your partner feel strong enough, then sharing of fantasies can be a good thing. Sometimes they can even be acted out, although this can lead to disappointment because often these things are much more effective when kept in the imagination. However, just discussing the fantasies can lead to some amazing sex that is enriched for knowing them.

Many couples look to spice up their sex lives after they have been together for some time and their love lives have become routine. Careful exploration of each other's fantasies can be a good thing and you could well be amazed at what your partner thinks about. This can be rewarding but caution should be exercised. If your fantasies are way out then you should consider carefully whether your partner will be horrified or turned on.

There is no need to worry that your partners fantasies mean they do not find you attractive anymore. They are simply a tool for a heightened sexual experience and will more often than not include you. Of course, no one wants to hear their partner is fantasising about Mandy from the accounts department at work but a light bondage fantasy that includes you might just get you both going.

Both sexes often fantasise about threesomes, whether with males or females. This doesn't necessarily mean you want to carry it out but once out in the open, that is something that might develop. Once again, exercise caution because reality is never as good as the imagination.

However simple the fantasy, it would be unrealistic to claim that people don't have them. It would also be unrealistic to think that your partner's fantasies are any reflection on yourself. They can, if handled properly, become an extra dimension to your sex life that makes it altogether more rewarding and fulfilling. And let's face it, after several years of the same thing, that's what we are all looking for.

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About the Author

Relationship expert Catherine Harvey looks at the way sharing a fantasy can be healthy for partners.